هكذا يبدو عالمي .. أعلم أنني لابد أن أتجمل .. هذه قواعد اللعبة

و لكنني أعلنت انسحابي .. و انت تريدني ان ألتقط أوراقي و أخمن .. لقد نسيت ! حقا نسيت إلى ماذا ترمز الأشياء

أمازالت قواعد اللعبة كما تركتها ؟ .. أمازالت ورقة الفتاة خاسرة .. و ورقة الفتي رابحة ؟

ألن يتغير هذا العالم أبدا !

حديثي يبدو كالألغاز ؟ هذه إحدى القواعد كما أتذكر .. ألا تبوح الفتاة أبدا .. أن تقطب جبينها حينما تريد حقا أن تبتسم .. أن تبتسم .. بينما تريد أن تبكي .. أن تضحك .. حتى و لو لم تعجبها الدعابة إلى هذا الحد

فلتسألني أنا ! .. لقد ضحكت كثيرا ..و لكم كان مزاح الحياة قاس !

فلأجرب ؟ .. أجرب أن أضعك في مركز مجرتي كالشمس .. ثم تمضي حينما أبدو ثقيلة الظل ؟ نعم ستكتشف فجأة أنني ثقيلة الظل .. أنتم بارعون حقا في اكتشاف هذه الأشياء .. حسنا .. فلأوفر عليك الأمر إذن .. انا مملة .. أنا لن أتجدد كل يوم كفراشة غريبة الأطوار

لا .. لا تدعي أنك تفهمني أرجوك .. هذا يفسد اللعبة .. المفترض أن أظل غامضة .. حتى أشبع إهتمامك .. لربما كانت هذه هي الغاية العليا من وجودي في هذا العالم .. لأحوز إهتمامك الثمين !

صدقني الغموض ورقة رابحة دائما .. الأشياء التي لا تفهمونها تثير جنونكم .. و تثير لديكم غريزة الحماقة !

افهمت الأن لم القيت أوراقي ؟

Some how, I drive them away

Somehow I’m un-comprehensible, un accessible human being

I’m not eager to know what’s written in the next pages, because they’re all look the same

In my book of life and love, nothing ever changes

Lost and homesick! But I can’t still find my home, is it even there?

Or am I a homeless soul?

Never felt warm in my life, the warmth of home and security, the warmth of unshakable existence

Sometimes I feel I’m not there, sometimes I wonder if I really exist

Life and death? No difference, if I don’t exist, how am I to tell if I’m alive or dead?

I’m trying to swallow the metallic taste of days, the taste of something cruel, cold and one sized

Dreams are like bubbles that float happily in the air, in a naïve sense of what’s ahead, and they absorb themselves quietly, no resistance, no fight, no war

No, I’m a no war person! Peaceful me! How good is that!

I used to describe me as “wise “, funny as it seems, I believed I am

But how come that wisdom ever spring from a troubled mind?, how it could ever settle in a feverish sick heart?

How come that any wise being call itself wise? Isn’t it unwise to think you’re wise?

See? Here speaks the troubled “wise “mind

I no longer wish to solve the unsolvable, no longer wish to save the world

I only wish to solve me, to see me in the undistorted image of reality, with real colors and density, no customs and no masks

I only wish to begin as fresh as a bud , a bud willing to grow and survive , unconsumed by mysteries and will not take the darkness as an option , will not let herself grow faintly in the shade

But wildly and gaily in the sunlight

14/5/2010

Noura S

she did actually think that in the moment he closes this door , she’ll cry .. break down .. she’ll ………

but ! .. nothing of this happened

she just gazed at the door for a moment and then , relaxed in her seat , she sighed

"oooooh yes ", now she can breathe more easily

she got herself a piece of chocolate and slowly , savouring its taste , this taste of freedom , as sweet as this chocolate , and things began to clear up

she’s happy !  she can see it , wildly happy!

she’s back !  and how she missed her old self

she can be herself again , doing what she wants to do , the way she wants it and (.) full stop !

no trying to please anyone anymore , it got her out of her nerves already ! he made her believe things she didn’t want to believe in

she made things just to please him , but didn’t please her

so many changes in her life for him , while he did nothing !

“ yes , she’s the woman , she’s the one who has to change ! , but he’s the MAN , no change , he’s born whole and complete !”

Oh , how she hated herself for it ! as if she’s the one who needs him and he doesn’t need her

But no , why needing him ?

She’s turning this page , with a new beginning , no more compromises

“ Mr love , take me as I am , or get out of my way “ , that’s her new motto

The taste of chocolate is still in her tongue , doing what she likes seems so easy , why was it so hard before ?

Was she afraid of gaining some weight ? because of him ? did she have to be miss super slim for his taste ?!

It’s her weight for god’s sake , it’s her body

She’s the one who’s in control here

She’s the queen of her land , her flag and her colors , on her property

16-7-2010

بابها المغلق

هي تحكم أبوابها جيدا .. و تقبض على المفتاح في تحفز

حتى لا يتسرب شئ أبدا إلى أعماقها ! .. الدرس كان صعبا .. و لن تكرره مرة أخرى

يراها .. تسحق الأمل في إصرار ..

 يتأمل أبوابها المغلقة , و يكاد يتسرب إليه اليأس .. و لكنه لا ينوي الرحيل .. حاول و لم يفلح .. كلما هم أن يبتعد غاضبا .. شعر بصدره يضيق .. عالمه ينكمش .. حتى لا يكاد يتسع له !.. دائما يعود ليجلس على عتبة بابها الصغيرة .. فتهدأ نبضات قلبه.. يهدأ كيانه .. و ينتظر

أهو  انتظار؟ .. يعرف انه هكذا يبدو.. و يري الاشفاق في عيون الجميع

  و لكنه  لا يرتاح إلا هناك

عند بابها   ..

يستند إليه .. يغلق عينيه في صمت .. و لا يريد شئ أخر !

يتجول في حديقتها  بين الحين و الحين .. مسرورا .. و لا يريد شيئا أخر

 كلما نظرت متوجسة من خلف نافذتها .. لوح بيده لها في بساطة

يكاد يثير جنونها .. و لكنه حقا لا يتعمد ذلك

تتأمل تلك الأشياء  التي يزرعها في حديقتها .. بل و تشرد فيها أحيانا دون أن تدري .. و تتساءل أحقا يعرف ألوانها المفضلة .. أم هي مصادفة ؟

تتأمل جلسته .. مغمض العينين .. و كأنه اكتشف سر الكون .. و لا يعنيه العالم

مرتاحا .. راضيا .. تتمني أن تشعر بمثل هذه الراحة

تتمنى أن تخترق عقله لعلها تعرف من أين يستلهم هذا السكينة ؟

تكاد تقسم أنه يراها .. و هو مغمض العينين .. تثقب ظهره بنظرتها الحائرة .. و إلا لم يبتسم هكذا كالأب الذي عرف مخبأ إبنته ..  فيبتسم لسذاجتها .. و يجاريها في لعبها

هي حقا لا تفهمه

لا تفهم تعبير وجهه الهادئ كلما ألقت حجرا أخر من كلماتها ؟

لا تفهم لم تحنو عينيه هكذا على وجهها الحاد ؟

هي لا تعلم أنها لن تستطيع ان تبقيه بعيدا .. ليس فقط لأنه لن يذهب ! .. و لكن لأن كل شئ بداخلها يألفه ..

لأنه يملك أن يدخل .. وقتما أراد .. و سيطيعه بابها المحكم .. كجروٍ وفي

و لكنه يختار أن ينتظر .. إلى ان تمتد يدها إلى مقبض الباب و تدعوه للدخول

لا يريد أن يقتحمها ..

 حتى و ان لم يملك خيارا أخر .. لن يفعل

هي خائفة بما يكفي .. هي ترتعش بما يكفي .. حتى بابها يرتعش أحيانا !

لم يخيفها أكثر ؟

سينتظر .. و يثق أنه يوما ما .. ستهدأ  و ترتخي قبضتها حول المفتاح ..

ستطل بحذر من خلف بابها .. كالشمس في يوم ماطر

ستترك له يديها .. يجذبها بهدوء لتجلس بجانبه

و تتسع ابتسامته .. حينما يتعرف على ملمس يديها .. كما تخيله دائما

 ربما تطمئن أكثر و تلقي برأسها الحائر على كتفه ..  فيشرب هانئا من أنفاسها .. و صوتها .. و ذبذبات روحها

ان كان ثمن هذه اللحظة انتظارا .. فما أزهده !

تستحق الانتظار ! .. لم يريد العالم منه تفسيرا أخر ؟ .. هي فقط تستحق الانتظار

هي .. و لا أحد غيرها

25-6-2010

Noura S

هكذا عرفته .. "منذ نعومة أظفارها " كما يقولون

أول ذكريات طفولتها .. معه

الألعاب الصغيرة .. الكوارث الصغيرة

كسر المزهرية .. تسلق الأشجار .. و في جميع الأحوال .. هو يتحمل النتيجة .. حتى ان كانت هي من أخطأت ..

يتحمل هو اللوم و العقاب .. يرفض أن تعاقب معه .. هو السبب .. و فقط

كانت مسئولية غريبة تجتاز سنوات عمره القليلة

رجل صغير .. يفعل ما بوسعه .. و ما ليس بوسعه ليحميها

أشياء لم يكن يفهمها .. و لا هي تفهمها أيضا

و في تلك السنوات .. لا تعنيهم التفسيرات .. و لا الأسئلة المصيرية

هما طفلان .. المرح و اللعب .. هو المنطق الوحيد للأشياء

لكم تفتقد هذه الأيام

حين لم يكن لديه ما يخفيه .. حين كانت تنظر لعينيه .. فتلتقط مشاعره بسهولة

مشاعر مفرداتها بسيطة مثل .." أنا أشعر بالسعادة معك "

مشاعر لا تحتمل أكثر من أسم أو أكثر من تفسير .. لا تحمل أي تعقيد

و لكن .. حينما تنظر لعينيه الأن .. لا تستطيع أن تميز أي شئ .. تصرفاته كلها ألغاز مؤلمة

أحيانا .. هو ذلك الفتى الصغير .. الذي تعرفه كخطوط يدها

و أحيانا هو ذلك الرجل الأخر .. الذي يريد أن يدفن هذا الفتى حيا

الجميع يحتفي بهذا " الرجل الأخر " .. حاد .. متعجرف .. دائما يعرف ما يريد .. و يثق فيما يريد .. " ناجح "

" ألا يفترض ان يسعدها كل هذا ؟ "

حقا .. كل ما يجعل عينيه تلتمعان .. يسعدها .. لكن هذه لمعة زائفة

"هذه ليست أحلام رفيق طفولتي

هذه ليست الأشياء التي تشعل حماسه و لكنه لا يريد أن يسمع .. و هو يعلم جيدا أنني محقة "

هي محقة دائما في كل ما يتعلق به

هي المترجم الخاص به .. منذ الطفولة

و رغم كل هذا .. و بحماقة مزعجة .. يخفي مشاعره بستار كثيف .. حتى مشاعره نحوها

حقا هي تثق بوجودها .. و لكن هذه أشياء لا تكفيها

تتمنى لو تتلمسها بين أصابعها .. و تشعر بنعومتها و دفئها

ان ترى تلك النظرة ذات المعان البسيطة في عينيه مجددا

أم أن ما تطلبه كثير ؟

she's loving him still

 

Maybe she meant something to him , but he never cared to show it

Never tried to water her feelings with any drop of warmth

He left her to dry out in the desert of his indifference .. where the only water , was her tears

And she drank enough of her tears that she lost the sensation of their salty taste

& by the time , the painful became rather painless ,

She can handle more of the pain without being so overwhelmed like before

She’s a hard bone now

And they got old , too old to hurt each other

& too old also to change anything ..

She can’t think of the past , when she’s looking at him now

Pale & weak .. in his bed , waiting and can’t tell if he’ll be alive tomorrow or even the next moment

It’s near .. although it always has been .. but somehow we admit its closeness when we’re old

And even now , she’s doing everything to keep him alive

She still loved him ?! , it’s creepy to think about love in this age , but maybe she did

He looked in her eyes , having a hard time breathing and there was actually a warm reflection in his eyes , his pair of cold glass like she used to call them

“ you know Rose , I really did love you always ! “

She froze and searched his face .. what is it ? is it death speaking ?

Why now ? why when there’s nothing to give and nothing to take !

“ Hushsh “

“ no , you have to know that , before I .. “

“ before you die , right ? “ and her voice broke

“ and you’re saving it as a confession of your death moment ! , now you can rest in peace and leave me in hell ! , why , why now ?!”

“ Rose , I didn’t mean to hurt you , I .. “

“ NO , no you did ! , and I was ok with it , because I always believed you didn’t love me , and I forgace you arrogance and cruelty , because you did not love me ! , that’s what I said to myself over the years to justify it , but loving me ? , and hurting me like that ! , how selfish , how SICK ! “

“ Rose , I’m dying , I wish I could .. “

“ just burn in hell ! “ and she turned her head away with tears wetting her face

“ Rose , my dear little thing , I don’t expect you to forgive me , I don’t forgive me !

But I know this , if they ever let me in heaven , it would be because I happened to breathe one breath of your sweet air

Because you’d once touched me and blessed my rotten soul ,

Because you were my woman !

I never knew how to show it , I never learned how to love anybody , I am a dead soul , and instead of keeping your love , I planted hate in your loving soul , I’ll never ever forgive me for it ! “

“ I never hated you ! “

“ I always wondered why ? are you a lost angel ? , unfortunate falling star ? why ? why still giving me ?”

“ rest in peace , old man , cause you’ll never know ! “

And she kissed him on his forehead , as if it was the end of a prayer

And he cried , maybe for the first and last time in their long journey together

And then slowly he faded away , clinging to her hands

And she smiled between her tears , he never thought he would die like this ,

He always imagined he’ll end up killed with a gunshot , never occurred to him that he’ll die with tears of regret in his eyes , and his hands childishly in hers

The arrogant bastard ! it was beyond his ego !

But she‘s loving him still !

هي تصنع عالمها .. و تضع قوانينه

تعرف كيف تتصرف كالشموس .. فينمو كل شئ في مدارها
لا تعترف بالقبح .. و تعرف كيف تعبث بالألوان و الظلال فيكشف رويدا عن جماله !
تعرف أنها لن تمتلك كل شئ .. فلا تلهث
تعرف أن الحياة لن تتوقف عندها .. فلا تبالي بما أفسده الأمس .. و لا تصنع جبالا من الحصى
تظن ان ربما الحب الذي يتحدثون عنه شئ جميل .. و لكنها لا تعرفه ! فلا تهمس به كثيرا في صلواتها .. و لا تعنيها أساطيره
تبتسم للغد .. و لكنها لن تتلصص لتعرف أسراره .. فليأت بما أراد
تعلم أنها لا تمتلك حقا سوى هذه اللحظة .. فتشحذ كل حواسها .. و ترتشف منها ما تستطيع
تعلم أنها فريدة من نوعها.. و لا تشبه أحدا .. فالسماء لا تعترف بالنسخ و الطباعة ! و الأيام لا تسير في نفس الطريق مرتين
تأكد لها أن الجمال هو خيوط نسيج كل إمرأة .. هي جميلة دون أن تدري ..و دون لأن تحاول !
تؤمن بأن جزء من حيوية هذه الدنيا .. نقصانها .. كقصة مفتوحة النهاية ! .. فلا تركض خلف وهم الكمال .. كما يركض الحمقي خلف السراب
تؤمن بأنها كما وهبت أنفاسها .. وهبت حريتها .. فتصر ألا يمتلكها أحد سواها !

unnoticed

"Unnoticed"
If she should be named again, this would be her name
She knows it, she feels it... when her figure dissolves in the crowd like a piece of sugar in a hot cup of tea
She's like a ghost , invisible , you don't "see" her unless you hit her by chance and after the " I'm sorry " " excuse me " murmurs , and a quick look at her face , you totally forget her , forget how she looks , like a ghost , she doesn't have a look , that's what she always think of herself , even when she looks in the mirror , she doesn't know how she looks , words like " beautiful " , " ugly " , or any other definitive descriptions doesn't apply there

She smiled at the thought that she can just disappear, vanish, sometimes she really appreciates this probability

She doesn't need all this scientific crab in "hollow man" movie; she's hollow, invisible without any special substances, without any tricks
Here she is, stepping out from the subway, out to the street
She felt the air - though cold at this time of the year- embracing her, as if the air reassures her that she exists, wanting the air to touch her skin, she loosened the scarf around her neck
" that's refreshing " she felt energy rise up inside her and she walked faster and as if the air was racing her , she felt the wind blowing gently at her face
She didn't feel her scarf, loosen up more till it flew behind
But he saw and felt
He was attentive that he almost ran... to save it from the ground
Something about the scarf , when he picked it up , made him stop for a while , He had a strange look on his face as if it was more than just a scarf , as if it was a rare flower grew somewhere on a steep mountain
But, he returned to his senses and hurried up behind the girl
- Miss... Miss... MISS
She was sure that this call wasn't for her; she usually doesn't look back to not feel stupid
But she looked back to see
- You dropped this ( trying to catch his breath )
- Oh... sorry... thanks
And she put it back casually on her neck
- No , no no , it will slip again , you warp it like this
And he approached to tie it for her, she drew back a step, she didn't really understand what he was doing, and felt it exceeded "being nice"
- Sorry , I didn't mean to
- It's ok
- It's just... ( and he paused for a while ) , it's a beautiful scarf actually , doesn't worth the wet ground , and next time you let it loose again , I guess no one will pick it up for you
(And he looked around meaningfully to the people passing, everyone on his way)
As you see, nobody cares! (Sad tone)
- Yes , I know
He watched her, tying her scarf properly around her neck
- Yes , that's much better , I'm sorry again , I didn't mean to bother you
- No , it's nice of you really , I just didn't get it right , I thought ..
- I understand , it's quite natural , it's not a friendly world after all
"Yes" , that's what she always thought , that's what she really wanted to say
They gazed at each other for a while , two existences recognizing each other by this very old tool of communication ; eyes
- Actually I want to thank you ! ( he said )
- Me ! , for what ?
- When I picked this scarf , it felt like I picked up my whole childhood in a single moment
- ??
- It's strange .. my mother used to own a scarf just like this one , the same colors , same texture
I wonder , it's a very weird question but , where did you get it ?
- It's my mother's !!!
They both looked at each other in a strangely funny way , and he said jokingly :
- Are you sure you're not my sister ?
- Oh my god , that's weird !! ( laughing )
- It is !
She wished they didn't stop laughing , but laughing unlike crying , it ends up fast , in spite of this wave of happiness that it spreads inside us
It stops , leaving sparkles of tears in the eyes , then the awkward silence , time stopped , while people kept passing them ,
She caught his eye again , and wished that he would say more , wished she have something to say
Her urgent need for words made them all vanish from her mind , although they keep floating in her head all the time , now that she needs them , she can't find a single word
She knew she has to end it , she has to say " thanks " and " goodbye " but she doesn't want !
" You're destined to be alone , you know that , what the hell are doing now ? , are you so desperate to fall for a guy you just met in the street ?!"
The annoying voice shouted in her head , and her pride ached , felt like a steel blade in her chest
- Thanks again .. I have to go now !! ( and she smiled formally )
- You're welcome ( confused by her sudden cold attitude )
She walked away , but he stood still for a while , a little confused , but then he moved on
" !!!! .. Are we going the same place or what ? " He said to himself , while he watched her ahead in his way
He saw her loosen up her scarf again with a nervous irritated move of her hand " is she angry ? " " Why do you care you nosy idiot !! "
But suddenly , the wind blew the scarf , and he looked to see it on his face ! , it slipped again !
She turned urgently and
- What 's this scarf has to do with me ? ( smiling at her )
Her features relaxed with a shy smile , he shrugged his shoulders
- I didn't catch it , it slapped me on the face actually , maybe he doesn't like me so much !
He handed her the scarf again
- It seems that we're going the same way , where are heading ?
She looked a little puzzled , this is too much for her , this is a load on her closed nature
- Don't worry , it's not that I'm going to ask you to buy me a drink or something
(Laughs )
- I mean ( paused , then said rather seriously ) I mean I would if you allow me , there's a café down the street ..
- You mean the " daisies " ?
- Yes .. if you don't mind
She opened her mouth to say something but she stopped and looked doubtedly at him
- That's …
- What ?
- I .. I was just going there to meet my friend
- Oh sorry , I didn't know …
- No , she has just called me and said she' s feeling ill and wouldn't come
- Great ! ( He said spontaneously ) .. No .. No , I meant ..
She laughed at his reaction
- Don't get me wrong , sometimes words pop up from my mouth before I even notice
- That's cute
- Believe me , it's not , it's a disaster , you'll see by yourself
And he paused and said : so , would you join me for a cup of coffee ?
She looked hesitated ,
- You're going there , and I'm going there , you'll drink your coffee , I'll drink mine , all the difference is , the cups will be on the same table , huge ! Isn't it ?
She couldn't help laughing
- Is u always good at simplifying things ?
- Life taught me !
So she walked and he walked by her side , and they kept talking
" Is it really that simple! , what a tricky world ! "
It even got better in the café , after the conversation has warmed up , words were coming up easier , flowing like a smooth river , gently sweeping away rocks and fading crushed leaves
Reflections and thoughts floated on her head , as she was more at ease
And he seemed interested , he knew he is
He felt it somehow , he knew she keeps this pocketful of colors and feelings and thoughts
He knew she's rich , couldn't understand why , he only saw her twice before
But her hidden smile attracted his wandering soul
Something he can't explain , like he can't explain right now why he's telling her this
- Actually she passed away years ago when I was 15 , my mother was the symbol of my happy childhood days , she was like a box of magical tricks , funny and graceful , unconditioned love for me and for life ,she always finds something new , every single day sometimes I thought I'm her only job ! , I was one lucky child , happiness felt like forever to me , no fears , no sadness
And paused for a while and smiled :
- Sometimes she said to me " you're my guarding armor ! "
His voice broke , he tried to smile and said jokingly
- I wish I was , but I was rather a wooden stick than armor at this time , I was so slim !
She laughed but sympathized the suppressed tears by his masculine ego
" Why don't men just cry ? " she said to herself
- You know what .. she knew exactly what she was talking about when she said that , you're really her armor , saving what looked her scarf today , simple as it seems , was heroic , it was like saving her memory , it didn't even touch the ground !
He couldn't help it , he desperately pressed his hands against his eyes to stop the rushing tears and then was a moment of silence , when he opened his eyes again they were perfectly red !
- I'm sorry
- No , don't be , what you said was really sweet , too sweet to be true
- It's true , I believe you are still the loving child she always wished for , I bet she's happy in heaven !
- I wonder .. How do you come up with these things ?
- What ? , my hallucinations ? ( joking ) yes , they keep me alive
- No , seriously
- I don't know , they just come up !
- I like them
She blushed , that's the strangest compliment anyone could hear ! Yet , the sweetest
She looked down at her drink to escape his softened gaze
" Oh my god ! She's real " she's flesh and blood out of his finest dreams
What was he feeling a moment ago ? Interested ? Is it all ? no it's definitely more , the freakily crazy word invading his sensations , but he can't speak it up , not the kind of words to be said on a first date , if it can be regarded as so !
But how long can he wait ?
How long the awaken child inside him can stand ? how can he be taught to be patient ?
She looked at her watch anxiously
- You have to go ?
- Yes , I guess I have to
They stood against each other , wishing to say something , wishing to stay , or find a good reason to !
He stretched his hand to shake hers and said deeply
- Will I ever see u again ?
- " ever " , it sounds big ! ( trying to escape the answer )
- I don't know , but you just look like a daydream
- Yeah , I am , actually when I walk out of this door , I will disappear and vanish
- ?
- I am invisible in case you didn't notice ( sad joking tone )
- Not to me
- Good eyesight !
- No , it's your good light , you're luminous !
They looked deeply in each other's eye and discovered the warmth they feel , dangerously and unreasonably warm near each other
- Ok .. I ..
- I know , but I hate goodbyes , it's a childhood complex , let it be " see you again "
- …..
- Ok then , I'll accept your goodbye , I hate to bother you .. it's just that ..
- I'd love to ..
- ?
- I'd love to see u again .. truly !
And she blushed even more and turned to walk away ,
- I WILL BE THERE
She turned her face with some glistening of tears in her eyes
- You will ?
- I swear I will !
She smiled and walked away
He will be there .. he will be waiting .. he will be searching the faces to find her pale face
Searching the eyes , to catch her small eyes
He will notice , if she's there or not , if she's sad or not , if she's wearing her scarf or left it home !
He will NOTICE
Cause from now on, she will be no longer... unnoticed.

لا تدري !

لا تدري من جمالها .. سوى ما يخبرونها عنه .. فلا تدري ما يفوتها !

ألا  نفضت عن روحها غبار الجهل .. و تلمست الصورة و ألوانها ؟

ربما حقا ستندهش لما تراه

لربما تهدي لنفسها باقات الأزهار

لربما تثور في وجه الحياة .. حين تضبطها مرة أخرى تسرق من ذهنها شيئا فشيئا .. احساسها بكينونتها

و لا تدع إحساسها بالتفرد يذوى .. فتظن أنها مجرد وجه في الزحام

ألا حين تنفض الشكوك من عقلها .. سيفرغ لأنشودة الحياة

و يغني كما تفعل الورود في ربيع الأيام

حينها .. تعتني بنفسها .. و تروى حديقتها الظمئى .. و تلتفت لأزهارها الأندر

و عندما يأتي النحل .. يحوم عابثا حول أزهارها .. يخبرها أنه اليوم لم يجد رحيقا

ستمتلك الجرأة لتقول له " أنت كاذب " .. أنا أعرف حديقتي برعما .. برعما.. و زهرة .. زهرة .. و لا تخلو أي منها من رحيق

فرحيقها روحي .. و روحي ملأى

Eve

oh Eve ,

what is it that you poured    in our souls and we couldn’t  spill over years and years , generations and generations , lives and lives .

what is it that ties us to the feathers of his vast wing

don’t you know that when love hits the air and fly , doesn’t care where he throws us , doesn’t care for our bruises , doesn’t care when the pain is so hard and so deep that we cry out and scream for some rest !

they say love is blind , maybe he’s deaf as well

tell me , are we meant to be his slaves ?

is it printed with the no-way-back ink that we stay in his grip  till the sun abandons its course ?

is it the unevitable suffering?

beautiful as you are , and we inherited it , but is it a blessing or a curse ?

cause we pay for it , the beauty rose is of a hard seed , and flourish only with heavy water of sorrow in her roots and pain in her thorns

your ever-young heart still beats in our bodies , still childish , still yearning to the unseen

which way to go , what we shall do ?

for whatever we do , we’re damned

we are the marionettes with threads in the devil’s fingers !

we are the mistake that over and over again , they tried to correct !

tell me a secret , was that what adam thought when he was mis-led ?

is it too .. inherited  ?

maybe you’ll never tell , but keep this  alive in my heart ,and i’ll hold it there forever ,

keep this first moment when you were made by the hands of god , when you first touched the roses and smiled to Adam’s face

when you were blessed to be the mother of all humanity , to whisper your lullaby in our ears , for eternity .

أي زينة تحتاجها إمرأة مثلك سوى نفسها ؟

أوتظنين أنه حين تضيق بي دنياي .. سأهتم كيف تبدين اليوم .. كيف تبدو ثيابك

تظنين أنه سيعنيني ظلال الجفون .. و أحمر الشفاه ؟

أي حماقات يزرعونها في عقلك الجميل يا حبيبتي ؟

حينها لن يعنيني سوى دفئ يديك .. تمررينها على وجهي .. و كتعويذة ساحر .. يتبدل وجهي تحت لمساتك

لن يعنيني سوى عينيك تحملني إلى واحتي .. حيث الأخضر الغني يفترش الأرض إلى المدى ..

حيث زرقة السماء الأبدية

حيث خيوط الشمس على جفوني .. الطيور بين راحتي يدي

حيث الأغاني الناعمة .. تنساب في عقلي مع نبرات صوتك

لن يعنيني سوى ذلك الإيقاع المحبب لنبضات قلبك في أذني .. و أنا أدفن رأسي في صدرك .. مختبئا من كل شئ

يا إلهي .. أي زينة تحتاجها إمرأة مثلك سوى نفسها ؟

جميلة أنت هكذا .. بوجهك الشاحب قليلا .. شاحب كالخيالات البعيدة.. بشعرك المبعثر خلف رأسك .. بتلقائية طفولية

بحزن عينيك اللطيف و أنت تصغين إلى حيرتي .. كوشاح ناعم على جراحي

بتموجات أصابعك العازفة في الهواء .. حينما تتحدثين .. ربما لا تلاحظينها ..

و لكنها أحيانا تستغرقني .. فأشرد عنك .. فيك !!

دعك من المرآة اليوم .. و دعيني أتحدث بدلا منها .. أنا أعرفك أكثر .. أنا أعي ما لا يعيه هذا الكيان البارد ..

أنا أعبد تلك اللمحات التي لا تلقي لها بالا ..

لا أدري ماذا أقول .. ربما لا تصدقينني .. أو لا تصدقين قلبك حينما يشير إلى صدق كلماتي .. و لكنني سأقولها على أية حال

هذه الأشياء لم تعد تعنيني منذ أحببتك !

just a passerby

I am just a passerby in this life ,, let go of me
i am sick of masks , too many masks , too many barriers , too many layers over my emotions
sick of pretending to run , I AM NOT A RUNNER , i step aside and watch , observe , that's what i always did and do
that's what i am good at
if i have some kind of ambition , it's to watch more, to see more , to listen more .. that's me
that's how my mind works , that's what my soul is craving for
so don't push , don't give me this " what a loser " look .. cause i don't care !
i don't give a damn about this big fat illusion we're living in
won't let it swallow me , won't let it steal the air out of my lungs
let me breathe !

و تنتهي الأسطورة

و تنتهي الأسطورة .. بأن هذا عالم لا تحيا فيه الأساطير
هكذا يحين الوقت لتخلع ثوب الأميرات .. يخبو التاج فوق رأسها .. تنطفئ النجوم في عينيها .. و تشعر بالأرض تحت قدميها .. بعد أميال مشتها على السحاب الناعم
هكذا تعلم أنه حان الوقت لتنضج .. لتنسى .. او لتتظاهر بالنسيان ..
تلقي بكل شئ في الظلال الداكنة خلف وعيها .. و كأنه لم يكن
لتتعلم كيف يشتد عودها أمام الحياة .. فلا يفلح قلبها الأخضر الغض.. كالريحانة الصغيرة .. في هذا العالم
هذا عالم يهرول .. و لا يعنيه ماذا ينسحق تحت قدميه .. قدميه الثقيلتين الباردتين .. بلا دماء و لا أعصاب
لا يصمد إلا كل ما هو حديدي و لامع .. هكذا ستصنع قلبها الجديد
لا يخدش .. لا يبلى .. و لا ينهار
قلب ميت .. و لكنه يحميها .. يضمن لها أن تحيا في سلام
يضمن ألا تتلقى سهاما أخرى .. ألا تهب شيئا دون ترو
ألا يتصرف دون إذنها ..
نعم .. هذا هو قلبها الجديد .. مطيع .. هادئ
لا يضطرب و لا يختلج .. مجددا

the shining half

"No ... only me ... but one day, it will be a table for two
I will be wearing a fancy dress, and he'll be wearing an elegant suit
Our table will be this one at the corner.. maybe a candle on it
Some red roses, special dish made for us; one of warm and deep sweetness.. just like we taste life
Maybe talking.. in our own language .. our own words
Even in silence we will be talking deeper .. totally revealed to one another , every hint , every gesture .. like reading an old book
I'll be no stranger , and you will not be looking at me like that
Why am I talking to you anyway .. Just lead me to my table "
After the dreamy tone .. She said the last words rather furiously as if she discovered suddenly that she actually said that to a total stranger
The waitress who was listening to all that .. A stupid look rose on her face at the lady's sudden angry tone , she did what she asked
But couldn't help glancing at this lady every now and then , while she kept sitting alone as always
Not aware of any body .. Frozen gaze through the window
"She's doing it again "
Every time she's here .. alone .. same table .. same dish ..
Although she herself is new to this restaurant .. She became accustomed to this lady's habits
She couldn't help thinking about her words , her dream , seems that she opened part of herself to our waitress accidentally
Although she is a regular customer .. It's the first time she ever talked to anybody here .
" Bad moods.. So just don't disturb her " .. That's what she's been told
Some whispering that she's been in love .. But things didn't work out
As if this restaurant was a witness to her ups and downs
It disgusted her how everyone kept talking ,while they knew nothing
Something about this makes our waitress feels angry .. really angry .. nothing makes a woman like this lady .. be that way except love and its endless miseries
" Men can be so stupid " .. Yes she knows about that herself
Anyway .. It was the time to take the lady's order .. and though she felt it would be awkward .. She tried to act normal .. To relieve the tension
When she was done .. the lady stopped her by saying :
" About what I said earlier , I'd appreciate that .. you know"
" Your privacy is in no danger ma'am , besides , apparently .. You weren't addressing me ! "
" Yes .. You can say so " reflecting at what the waitress said , and can't decide whether that meant she looked crazy or what
The Waitress was about to leave .. But hesitated for a while but finally said ( as if she settled something in her mind )
- Excuse me ma'am ? .. Why do you keep coming here ?
- I beg your pardon ?
- I mean whatever it is , it certainly doesn't worth you sitting here alone .. You're .."
- "Oh yea .. moving on!! " She interrupted the waitress ..exclaiming sarcastically
" And what do you know about that ? " looking at her eyes .. Sharply and deeply
- I don't .. I mean .. " She didn't know what to say ..
- still giving her the same look .. then suddenly
"Oh my .. He left without goodbyes .. didn't he ?"( with a softened voice )
The waitress girl was struck by these words .. Which was amazingly true ..Was it written on her face or something ?
- Poor girl .. that's bad actually .. very bad !!
Then the lady said :
- Ok .. So you want to give advice .. save broken souls and stuff like that .. let me help you "
She turned around and said in a louder voice :
Why don't you give your precious advice to this woman .. yes .. Excuse me miss .. she wants to tell you .. he doesn't love you , and you know it , don't waste your precious time any longer
And you .. sorry to say that .. but it makes me sick , how you forgive him every time , it hurts .. your wounds will keep bleeding till you can't handle the PAIN any more
You will not be able to forgive anymore .. your feelings WILL DRY OUT "
" And you sweetie .. You're beautiful , if they can't see it.. it's their blind hearts .. not your problem .. You deserve to be loved , don't compromise on this !! "
And you .. bless you ma'am .. You grieved him long enough , he definitely wants you to move on .. let go of the black shell you're hiding in "
Then she turned again to the puzzled waitress slowly
" Think you're the smart one.. ha ? .. stepping up and giving people advice they don't need , it's easy as you see , words are so damn EASY!! "
Everyone turned and followed this strange lady's talk .. with same look of " how the hell she knew all this ? "
" I'm sorry .. I didn't mean .. "
" he said .. he didn't love me anymore" interrupting her
" if that what you wanted to know
after years of marriage , he suddenly discovered that .. as if it was a thought out of no where .. hitting him by chance
Also by chance he figured out that he's in love with another , she understands what he needs ( sad smile ) .. turned out .. that I .. Me - who stuffed her life with his every little small detail –(broken voice )don't understand !! " Moment of reflection
" Actually .. I don't .. I can't get it
Happy now , young lady ? " with a bitter smile

The waitress couldn't speak .. she walked away dragging her feet .. feeling so stupid and so fired , definitely her boss is watching this and ..
" Why do you care anyway ? " said the lady
" I mean is it a kind of a new policy here in this restaurant ? .. Free therapy .. Or maybe for the tips ? "
The girl turned again to face the lady .. looking disappointed
" no .. it's not .. sorry I care .. but it's just killing me .. I mean you're a beautiful and smart woman , you can do whatever you want , you can have it your way .. and I'm sure it's not hard for you to find another man .. but you just didn't .. you shut your self .. down
I know that's none of my business .. but I'll say it anyway , you look like a shadow of a woman , who were once well determined , confident , charismatic .. but now it's just a shadow !!
I don’t know why I am feeling this way.. but the fact that even someone looks strong like you can't get over it , makes me feel that we are so weak , so vulnerable .. easily crushed like cigarettes .. no matter what we have , we are poor .. so poor.. it's frustrating "
A moment of silence all over the place , the lady drew her eyes away but couldn't escape the eyes that were focused on her reaction , so she said :
" what do you want ?"
" please , don't come back here alone , bring some people , friends , real friends who love to see your laugh "
" and you know what , I bet all of them ( pointing to the watching eyes around them ) want to see your laugh too"
The lady looked all around to see that all the watching eyes turned to smiling faces .. encouraging her
And she couldn't help it , she laughed , a true loud laugh , free like a flying wing
And as if some magic happened , there were cheers of " yeas " , " good girl "
And all of a sudden , they were all joining her table , drawing more chairs and more tables
They were about 20 or more , she 's never been in a gathering like this since school days
" Oh school , those lovely days " one of them exclaimed and they went on talking cheerfully , she kept laughing till her tears went down , never felt this happy since her divorce
Here she is , surrounded by 20 total strangers who are willing to be her friends
In their eyes , she felt the warmth of a family
The waitress girl came without her uniform , laughing:
" I knew I was going to be fired anyway "
More laughs as she joined them , and they went on talking as if they were old friends long ago , and this was their reunion
And the end of it , there was an unspoken agreement that they'll meet again and again
Each one of them , left with the feeling that she gained a core , something she can lean on when it seems too bad , when the wind is blowing so hard
Our lady in particular left with the feeling that the world is in her hands
She was right about their sufferings , always been a good reader to the people , but what she missed to read was how powerful these women really were , those tender and loving souls they have
On this table , sat a bunch of different kinds of women but apparently , this inner pain tied them with an unusual kind of bond
She wondered how close she was to happiness, but couldn't see it , though it sounded very simple
There on this table , she forgot about her stupid dream , there she could forget , even for a day , that she needs a man's love
The blessings she received this day , satisfied her
The blessing that she can care and be taken care of .. That's what she saw written on their smiling faces " we will take care of you no matter what , we can hold this together "
This message touched her so much that she was about to cry
they made her believe again that women can stick to each other , be on each other's side , regardless of anything
She stopped believing in that for a while , after the crash of her life
When she was literally falling apart , she reached for the hands of her friends to save her
But they weren't really there .. all she can recall was some cold hugs , some " sorry for you " .. " oh , that should've been so hard on you "
"You're much better without him "
Brushing some sorrow on their eyes like an eye shadow
But each one kept herself busy in her own life or pretended to be so , holding tight as if they feared the curse of her divorce will blow the settlement of their own
Looking back to those days , She felt miserable .. really miserable , but it's only a funny memory now .
As for the waitress , while she was heading outside the restaurant , her boss came telling her she had her job back
She didn't understand , he explained with a greasy smile on his face : " you managed to increase their appetite and thanks to what you did , there will be more customers , I can sense that !!"
" But I didn't do it for you , or for this restaurant !!"
" But you made it , whether you meant it or not , you earned your job back , congratulations !"
Yes " winning " , all he cares about is winning , all men do
While women keep losing , happily losing , funny thing that they sometimes crave for loss
She sighed and went out , breathed some fresh air and she smiled , it was a good day indeed
Couldn't imagine that she would do something like that , to make that difference in these women, even just for a day
These women on this table proved it ," they are not a bunch of lonely losers "
They showed up the real element of this half of the world, the shining half, as she always believed, and always will .